Approaching Estate Planning Discussions with Your Aging Parents
Helping Ensure Your Parents' Wishes Are Carried Out“Mom, dad, we need to talk.” Many people dread discussing financial arrangements with their elderly parents. It’s not easy reminding our parents that their time left on this earth is limited. This can be especially challenging if one or both of your parents is becoming less sharp mentally or showing signs of early dementia. These discussions are difficult, but necessary for their (and your) peace of mind. From something as simple to knowing where they have stored their wills and other estate planning documents to the more complex, like understanding what is being passed down and how, what their wishes are for final arrangements, and whether and to what extent you and your siblings need to be prepared to deal with estate taxes, having the whole family on the same page will only help everyone get through the difficult times when your parents pass.
And, at a much more basic level, the only way to find out if they even have an estate plan in place is to ask. The sooner you ask, the better their chances of getting something in place before it is too late. So, what’s the best way to talk to your aging parents about estate planning? We’ve provided a few sincere approaches to help broach that intimate conversation. |
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Ask About Their Medical Treatment Wishes
Often, before you have to deal with a parent's estate, you will be faced with the many decisions during their last years of life that they may need your help with. These include basic financial management as well as significant health care decisions, if they reach a point where they are no longer able to process the information and make decisions themselves.
A conversation before they get to this point is critical, both to make sure they have the documents in place that name a health care proxy and a durable power of attorney, but also to make sure you and other members of your family are clear about their wishes when it comes time to be the decision-makers.
You can use examples of other people you and your parents know to start the conversation. For example, "remember how Aunt Sally's kids struggled to help her with medical decisions? We want to make sure we understand what you want in case you are ever in that position." Understanding your parent's wishes in this regard ahead of time can help you and your other family members navigate the potentially difficult decisions ahead with the comfort that you have a clear idea of how they would want you to proceed.
A conversation before they get to this point is critical, both to make sure they have the documents in place that name a health care proxy and a durable power of attorney, but also to make sure you and other members of your family are clear about their wishes when it comes time to be the decision-makers.
You can use examples of other people you and your parents know to start the conversation. For example, "remember how Aunt Sally's kids struggled to help her with medical decisions? We want to make sure we understand what you want in case you are ever in that position." Understanding your parent's wishes in this regard ahead of time can help you and your other family members navigate the potentially difficult decisions ahead with the comfort that you have a clear idea of how they would want you to proceed.
Start With Understanding What They Have
A conversation focused on the specific decisions your parents have made, or plan to make, may feel intrusive over overreaching if that is how it begins. Instead, start with simply trying to understand what documents they have and where you can find them when the time comes. You can explain to them that when the time comes, you will need to be able to locate the important information so that you can make sure that their wishes are honored. Things that are important to cover include:
- Who is their health care proxy and where is that document located;
- Who is their durable power of attorney and where is that document located;
- Where is their will located;
- Do they have life insurance policies and where would you find those;
- Is there a file with all of their bank account information;
- Have they left any funeral and burial instructions.
Identify Any Missing Pieces to Their Estate Plan
As this conversation is unfolding, you and your parents may identify some things that should be addressed but have not. For example, if there are now grandchildren who didn't exist when they made their plan, and do they want to do anything differently with that information. Are the people identified in their documents as personal representative, health care proxy and durable power of attorney still alive and able to serve.
Another frequently missing piece is long term care or assisted living planning, especially if your parents made their estate plan when they were in their forties or fifties. Remember any asset protection strategies need to be put in place five years before they need assistance with care. If you are having this conversation with your parents while they are in relatively good health, it may be a perfect opportunity to explore with them whether they would like to place any of their assets in trust to protect them if they need help with assisted living down the road.
Another frequently missing piece is long term care or assisted living planning, especially if your parents made their estate plan when they were in their forties or fifties. Remember any asset protection strategies need to be put in place five years before they need assistance with care. If you are having this conversation with your parents while they are in relatively good health, it may be a perfect opportunity to explore with them whether they would like to place any of their assets in trust to protect them if they need help with assisted living down the road.
What If They Have Not Done Any Estate Planning?
The bad news if you find out your parents have no plan in place is that you and your siblings are at much greater risk for strife, turmoil and expense after their passing. The good news is that if your parents are both still mentally competent, there is still time for them to set things in order. It is important that they speak with an estate planning lawyer as soon as possible. The lawyer will most likely want to have a conversation alone with your parents as well- do not be alarmed- this is a necessary part of the process. The lawyer simply needs to make sure that your parents are expressing their own voluntary wishes. It is not meant to shut you out of the process, but to help ensure that the documents they put together are legally valid.
Don't Forget These Are Still Their Decisions
It is important to remember that, no matter how concerned you may be about how your family manages after their passing, ultimately the decisions they make in their estate plans is up to your parents. Your conversations will be more productive, and cause less anxiety for them, if the clear purpose is not to try to change their minds about what they want, but to make sure you and your siblings understand it and that your family is prepared.
If you feel they do not have complete information about their options, and they do not have an estate planning attorney they are working with already, you can always help facilitate an appointment with an attorney. Ultimately it will be your parents who are the clients of the attorney, but there is nothing wrong with you helping them get that process started.
If you feel they do not have complete information about their options, and they do not have an estate planning attorney they are working with already, you can always help facilitate an appointment with an attorney. Ultimately it will be your parents who are the clients of the attorney, but there is nothing wrong with you helping them get that process started.
How We Can Help
At slnlaw, we understand that discussing estate planning with aging parents can be challenging. Our experienced attorneys are here to facilitate these important conversations and guide you through the estate planning process. We offer compassionate and professional advice to ensure that your parents' wishes are honored and that your family is well-prepared for the future. You can use the button below to schedule a free information call, or give us a call at (781) 784-2322.
Meet Our Estate Planning Lawyers
Emily Smith-Lee is the owner and founder of slnlaw. She is a 1996 graduate of Boston College Law School. She was previously a partner at the Boston office of a large international firm, where she worked for thirteen years before starting the firm that became slnlaw in 2009. She has been recognized as Massachusetts Superlawyer each year since 2013, and in 2018 earned recognition as one of Massachusetts Lawyers Weekly's Lawyers of the Year.
Jenna Ordway: Jenna is a 2013 graduate of Quinnipiac Law School, and also earned an LLM in Taxation from Boston University in 2015. She has been affiliated with slnlaw since 2011, first as a law clerk and then as an attorney. Jenna has been recognized since 2019 as a "Rising Star" by Massachusetts Superlawyers. Jenna wrote a book on estate planning: The Road to Peace of Mind: What You Need to Know About Estate Planning. Jenna has helped many individuals and families with planning to protect their legacies and loved ones, and planning for the future and succession of their businesses.
Sharleen Tinnin: Sharleen is a 2010 graduate of Northeastern University School of Law, and earned her LLM in estate planning from Western New England Scool of Law in 2016. She has been with slnlaw since 2023. Prior to joining slnlaw, she worked with King, Tilden, McEttrick & Brink, P.C. on complex civil litigation matters. She previously worked for the United States Department of Justice, and received an "Excellence in Justice" award in 2017. Sharleen has helped many clients with planning for their legacies and their future, and navigating the probate process in Massachusetts after the death of a loved one.
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