How to Talk with Aging Parents About Estate Planning

HOW TO TALK WITH AGING PARENTS ABOUT ESTATE PLANNING

“Mom, dad, we need to talk.” Many people dread discussing financial arrangements with their elderly parents. It’s not easy reminding our parents that their time left on this earth is limited.  This can be especially challenging if one or both of your parents is becoming less sharp mentally or showing signs of early dementia.  These discussions are difficult, but necessary for their (and your) peace of mind.  From something as simple to knowing where they have stored their wills and other estate planning documents to the more complex, like understanding what is being passed down and how, what their wishes are for final arrangements, and whether and to what extent you and your siblings need to be prepared to deal with estate taxes, having the whole family on the same page will only help everyone get through the difficult times when your parents pass.

And, at a much more basic level, the only way to find out if they even have an estate plan in place is to ask.  The sooner you ask, the better their chances of getting something in place before it is too late.

So, what’s the best way to talk to your aging parents about estate planning? We’ve provided a few sincere approaches to help broach that intimate conversation.

Ask About Their Wishes

Often, it’s not what we say, but how we say it. For example, consider the following questions:

• “How do you want to be honored or remembered?”
• “What would you like to leave behind for the grandchildren?”
• “How shall we pass along the family heirlooms?”

Instead of focusing on your parents’ death or incapabilities, focus on their desires. In this context, your parents have control over their decision. This approach opens up a comfortable pathway to discussing funeral arrangements and property matters, such as what to do with their house or to whom they desire to pass down assets.  They may or may not have updated their estate planning documents recently, and asking about whether what is in those documents still reflects their wishes can also serve as a gentle reminder for them to check in with their estate planning lawyer, especially if you are concerned that one or both of them may be facing a decline in cognitive functioning or decision making. 

Express Yourself as a Concerned Child

Many loving parents shudder at the thought of worrying their child. If you know your aging parents care deeply about your anxiety or concerns, start off the discussion by explaining a few things you’re worried about. Have you stressed about their debt and how it will be paid off? Are you unsure of how to handle their medical affairs in case of illness?  Are you worried about how the family will manage either keeping them in their home or the costs of assisted living if that becomes impossible?  Are you concerned about disagreements between your siblings about things like where they should be buried and how the funeral should be handled?

Explain to your parents that you and your siblings will be at ease if you’ve prepared as a family ahead of time before the unexpected has a chance to occur. Your parents might realize it’s better to discuss familial matters now rather than leave you scrambling in a crisis, and may be more open to talking about how to solve a problem for you than they are to thinking about their own needs and wishes.

Come Seeking Advice

“Mom, dad, I want to consider the kids’ well-being in case something happens to me. What are your thoughts on me hiring an estate planning attorney?” Open the floor by inquiring about their own estate planning attorney. It’s a good way to tell if your parents have considered estate planning already. Guide the conversation about how you desire to handle medical and financial affairs, going through a checklist of everything you need to address, such as designated beneficiaries, power of attorney decisions, and estates. Seeking your parents’ advice may change their perspective on solving their own matters.

Don't Forget These Are Still Their Decisions

It is important to remember that, no matter how concerned you may be about how your family manages after their passing, ultimately the decisions they make in their estate plans is up to your parents.  Your conversations will be more productive, and cause less anxiety for them, if the clear purpose is not to try to change their minds about what they want, but to make sure you and your siblings understand it and that your family is prepared. 

What If They Have Not Done Any Estate Planning?

The bad news if you find out your parents have no plan in place is that you and your siblings are at much greater risk for strife, turmoil and expense after their passing.  The good news is that if your parents are both still mentally competent, there is still time for them to set things in order.  It is important that they speak with an estate planning lawyer as soon as possible.  The lawyer will most likely want to have a conversation alone with your parents as well- do not be alarmed- this is a necessary part of the process.  The lawyer simply needs to make sure that your parents are expressing their own voluntary wishes.  It is not meant to shut you out of the process, but to help ensure that the documents they put together are legally valid. 

We’re Here for You

We understand that money and health are not always easy topics of discussion to bring up with your parents. However, a gentle, strategic approach may be what you need to get the conversation going. For legal advice, helpful planning tools and financial guidance, the experienced attorneys at slnlaw are here for you.  ​

---

About slnlaw

We are a Massachusetts law firm focused on business law, employment law, and estate planning. Our team includes attorneys with large law firm experience, public service experience, experience working with small businesses on a wide variety of matters, an attorney with an advanced degree (LLM), and a former clerk to the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court.  Attorney and founder Emily Smith-Lee has been named to the Massachusetts Super Lawyers list every year since 2013, and was recently named a 2018 Lawyer of the Year by Massachusetts Lawyers Weekly.  Our lead estate planning attorney Jenna Ordway has been recognized as a top estate planning attorney, and has published a book about estate planning in Massachusetts.
 
What We Do

• Employment Law: We advise both businesses and individuals about Massachusetts and federal employment laws, and represent them as needed in litigation if a lawsuit cannot be avoided. 
• Business Law: In addition to providing advice on employment matters and defense of employee lawsuits, we can help you set up your new business, review your agreements with vendors and customers, resolve or litigate business disputes, and much more. 
• Estate Planning: We provide customized plans for individuals and families to help minimize your estate tax liability, protect and preserve your assets, and ensure that the people in your life are taken care of the way that you want.  We can help you with wills and trusts, planning for a child with special needs, planning for the cost of long term care, and more.

​We also have an extensive network of other professionals, some lawyers in other practice areas and others who are non-lawyer professionals who offer services that our clients frequently need.  If the problem you need solved is not one that we handle, we are happy to provide a referral to someone we know you can trust.

Testimonials

"Emily, a chief partner, and the two other lawyers who worked on my case were extremely competent and approachable. They were responsive to inquiries and they thoughtfully explained, as needed, complex legal terms. I was very well represented at each stage of a protracted legal case against a major national firm."  Brian R

"It was a pleasure working with Emily Smith-Lee on a business matter. She willingly shares her expertise and always listens to her clients' concerns. Emily's caring demeanor puts people at ease immediately. The outcome of my experience was quite favorable. I would highly recommend them."  Camille B.

​"Emily is an incredible resource of knowledge on employment law. She helped guide us on how to structure our employee classifications and made adjustments to our consulting agreements so our business is better protected and positioned. She's both law-savvy and business minded - great asset to have when launching/growing a business."  Diana B.

"SLN represented me in a complicated employment-related dispute. What could have been a prolonged nightmare for me was handled swiftly and skillfully, and with fairness and dignity."  Smita N.

​"Previously, I spoke with a couple other lawyers and I did not feel comfortable with their approach prior to calling Emily. Jenna did an excellent job in assessing what I wanted to accomplish and completed my will, trust and other documents in a very short time. I am so happy I made the right choice in choosing slnlaw as my estate team."  Evelyn W.

"Long overdue public words of gratitude for Emily and her associates' work on my behalf.  They were so very respectful of me during an emotionally and financially ridden time- and that mattered more than the positive result.  May all clients have such advocates on their sides!"  Donna B.

"Emily helped our LLC in crafting an international sales agency agreement. She took the time to listen and learn about our business as well as ask about our short and long terms goals. She has a deep understanding of business contract law and was able to explain things to us clearly without being overly legalese. We would recommend SLN Law without hesitation!" Michael M.

Read more on our reviews page ​​