How to Talk About Your Estate Plan With Family

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​It’s a subject few people want to discuss and yet it’s extremely important and beneficial: talking about your estate plan with your family before something happens. Have you ever known someone who has torn the house apart looking for a will when a loved one passes because they didn't know if the deceased had written a will, what it said, or even where it was?  Or a family who suffers from division, hurt feelings, and stress because what was in a parent's will was a surprise?  It happens more often than you might think.

If you have this “talk” approaching and you’re concerned about the situation growing tense or uncomfortable, keep these thoughts in mind:
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• You determine who you share your estate plan details with — and who you don’t.
• Prepare what you want to say ahead of time to avoid lulls in conversation or confusion.
• Your estate plan lawyer can be present if you need help facilitating the conversation.  

What else can be done to make the experience more comfortable?

Acknowledge the Inevitable

The topic is understandably sensitive, and some might imagine it to be emotional and uncomfortable. You and your loved ones obviously don’t want to think about you passing away. Plus, people often feel awkward talking about money – even among family members.

However, estate plans are created for the benefit and well-being of the people you love and who love you back.

Discussing the estate plan prepares everyone involved for what’s to come. Sitting down with beneficiaries provides a clear understanding of how they’ll be impacted by your will and other estate plan decisions. It also helps if everyone knows who your personal representative is, so they know who to go to with questions and so that person knows that he or she has been given this responsibility.  

Be Forthright About Your Plan

The question often arises, “Who should I share my estate plan details with? When? And how?”
People also often wonder whether they should meet with each heir one-on-one, or bring every heir into the room.

Whether you meet privately or as a group, consider being as transparent as possible, by sharing clear legacy information and details while keeping the door open for questions and honest conversation.

Why? Because, for example, if one of your adult children assumes you plan on leaving the family business to them, or another is expecting to inherit the family home, it only seems fair to discuss your plans with them, especially if their assumptions are incorrect, so that they can be better prepared for their inheritance when it comes.  Or you may have specific reasons for naming one of your children as personal representative instead of the other- better to talk about it now than have hurt feelings or misunderstanding after you are gone, while your children are already in a stressful and sad situation.

There are also plenty of other things that are likely not controversial, but important for your family to know ahead of time.  Remember that if something happens to you- either death or a sudden illness or accident that leaves you unable to communicate or make decisions for any period of time- your family will already be under tremendous stress and grief, and you should try to make it as easy for them as you can.  These include:

• Who is your health care proxy (the person with legal authority to make medical decisions for you if you are unable);
• Who holds your durable power of attorney (the person with legal authority to make financial and legal decisions for you if you are unable);
• Who is your personal representative (formerly known as executor);
• What life insurance policies do you have and where are they located;
• What investment accounts do you have, who are the designated beneficiaries, and where is that information located; and
• Where are your original estate planning documents stored.

You may also want to have a separate conversation with the individuals designated as your personal representative, health care proxy, and durable power of attorney.  Massachusetts does not recognize specific advance health care directives as legally binding- instead, you designate a person you trust to make the decision for you.  If you have strong opinions about what kind of medical care you do and do not want, it is helpful to make sure the person you have designated as your health care proxy knows what those wishes and opinions are.  In the same way, you could benefit from making sure the person who holds your power of attorney understands how you would like certain things to be handled if you are incapacitated.

Keep Your Focus on Family

Once you focus on the relationship between you and your family members, it’s often easier to keep sight on what’s most important — family! — while leading the discussion.

To encourage the spirit of positivity and goodwill among heirs, determine how your decisions will impact everyone individually. Be empathetic and compassionate by looking at your decision from multiple perspectives.  

For example, if you leave one granddaughter a trust but leave another grandchild her full inheritance, your family will naturally wonder why. Often, decisions are extremely practical and beneficial, but it’s not always interpreted as intended.

Talking with your family about your estate plan isn’t always clear cut or easy, but it’s a vital step in your wealth legacy journey.  Want to know more about estate planning>  Click here to get your free book, "What You Need to Know About Estate Planning."

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About slnlaw

We are a Massachusetts law firm focused on business law, employment law, and estate planning. Our team includes attorneys with large law firm experience, public service experience, experience working with small businesses on a wide variety of matters, an attorney with an advanced degree (LLM), and a former clerk to the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court.  Attorney and founder Emily Smith-Lee has been named to the Massachusetts Super Lawyers list every year since 2013, and was recently named a 2018 Lawyer of the Year by Massachusetts Lawyers Weekly.  Our lead estate planning attorney Jenna Ordway has been recognized as a top estate planning attorney, and has published a book about estate planning in Massachusetts.
 
What We Do

• Employment Law: We advise both businesses and individuals about Massachusetts and federal employment laws, and represent them as needed in litigation if a lawsuit cannot be avoided. 
• Business Law: In addition to providing advice on employment matters and defense of employee lawsuits, we can help you set up your new business, review your agreements with vendors and customers, resolve or litigate business disputes, and much more. 
• Estate Planning: We provide customized plans for individuals and families to help minimize your estate tax liability, protect and preserve your assets, and ensure that the people in your life are taken care of the way that you want.  We can help you with wills and trusts, planning for a child with special needs, planning for the cost of long term care, and more.

​We also have an extensive network of other professionals, some lawyers in other practice areas and others who are non-lawyer professionals who offer services that our clients frequently need.  If the problem you need solved is not one that we handle, we are happy to provide a referral to someone we know you can trust.

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"It was a pleasure working with Emily Smith-Lee on a business matter. She willingly shares her expertise and always listens to her clients' concerns. Emily's caring demeanor puts people at ease immediately. The outcome of my experience was quite favorable. I would highly recommend them."  Camille B.

​"Emily is an incredible resource of knowledge on employment law. She helped guide us on how to structure our employee classifications and made adjustments to our consulting agreements so our business is better protected and positioned. She's both law-savvy and business minded - great asset to have when launching/growing a business."  Diana B.

"SLN represented me in a complicated employment-related dispute. What could have been a prolonged nightmare for me was handled swiftly and skillfully, and with fairness and dignity."  Smita N.

​"Previously, I spoke with a couple other lawyers and I did not feel comfortable with their approach prior to calling Emily. Jenna did an excellent job in assessing what I wanted to accomplish and completed my will, trust and other documents in a very short time. I am so happy I made the right choice in choosing slnlaw as my estate team."  Evelyn W.

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